


Beating Drums

by someofthissomeofthat11011



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 05:23:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14442267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someofthissomeofthat11011/pseuds/someofthissomeofthat11011
Summary: When Bram gets back from his dad's, he sees Simon’s email and the creeksecrets post. He tells Simon he can’t do it anymore and deactivates his email, then immediately regrets his decision. He can’t talk to Simon anymore as Blue because that’s too risky, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a friend to Simon as Bram. He goes over to Simon’s house to offer his support.





	Beating Drums

**Author's Note:**

> So I don’t know what it is, but I really… I don’t want to say hate… so I’m gonna say I have a lot of things about how everyone kinda turned their backs on Simon in the movie and I have thought of so many ways to fix that. This is one of them, so I hope you enjoy it.

 

Bram felt his heart beating in his ears. It sounded like someone was playing the drums inside his head. Dum dum. Dum dum. Dum dum. For a moment, that’s all he could focus on. He didn’t hear his mother trying to draw him into a conversation about what he did while visiting his dad. He couldn’t even see the creeksecrets post that was swimming in front of his eyes. His entire being was consumed by the beating drums and the knowledge that someone had posted their emails where anyone could see them.

After a moment, the world became a little less blurry and the beating drums faded. “I’m really tired,” Bram said weakly.

He hoped his mom didn’t realize that he felt like his world had just collapsed. “Okay,” she said simply. She kissed his forehead. “I missed you. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Bram was faintly aware of his mom leaving and closing his door behind her. He pulled up the email from Simon and his fingers moved on autopilot.

 

_I saw the posts. I know who you are. Jacques a dit. That’s what they call Simon Says in France. Very clever. I’m sorry Simon, I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sorry._

 

Bram didn’t think anything would have been adequate enough, but he had nothing else to say. He had thought he would get back and would be able to tell Jacques how much he missed him and all about how awful his last two weeks had been. He’d thought there would be several emails about how much Jacques had missed him in his inbox. Instead, he found out that he’d been outed in a way. It would be too risky to keep talking to Simon and Bram knew that he wouldn’t be able to resist if Simon responded to him.

Before he could change his mind, Bram deactivated his email address. A short message popped up, reminding him that this action could not be reversed. He clicked okay and watched as his lifeline for the past several months disappeared.

His heart felt heavy in his chest and it was making it difficult to breathe. Bram did the only thing he knew would calm him. He called Garrett.

“Hey man, how was your dad’s?” Garrett asked.

“About as bad as you’d expect,” Bram told him. “How was school today? Did I miss anything interesting?” He hadn’t expected Garrett to have anything to say. He hadn’t gotten back until after the school day was over, due to unexpected traffic. He hoped that Garrett would be able to distract him with mundane school news.

“Today was eventful. Have you heard about Spier? It’s all over school that he’s gay,” Garrett told Bram.

Bram realized he should have expected that. It’s not every day someone comes out at school, especially not in the way Simon was outed. It was one of the reasons he had reservations about coming out himself. He tried to keep his voice neutral. “Really?” Bram asked.

“Yeah. I feel so bad for him,” Garrett said.

“Uh… why? Why do you feel bad for him?” Bram asked, sitting up a little straighter. There was something weird in Garrett’s voice; something that made Bram feel like his blood was running icy cold through his veins.

“Not a lot of people are taking it well,” Garrett explained. “These two guys from the football team dressed up like him and did this skit in front of everyone at lunch. It was horrible. I think Simon would have decked one of them if Ms. Albright hadn’t been there. I can’t even imagine how he felt. And his friends dropped him. I don’t know if it’s the gay thing or what, but they didn’t sit with him at lunch today.”

The drums were back. “Wait, what?” Bram couldn’t help the horror that consumed him.

“Yeah, I feel really bad for him. I don’t think I’d be able to handle everything he’s going through.”

“I have to go,” Bram said hastily.

“Everything okay?”

“I have to go,” Bram repeated.

He stood up and found shoes. He didn’t know what he was planning, but he knew he needed to see Simon. He saw from his email that his coming out to his parents hadn’t gone well. Couple that with what Garrett said about the kids at school and Simon’s friends?

Bram was suddenly filled with an intense fear. The email he had just sent was going to crush him. In a matter of a week, Simon had lost everything. Bram grabbed his phone, wallet, and keys and glanced around his room to make sure he didn’t need anything else.

Bram’s hand was on his door knob before he froze. If his mom knew he wasn’t sleeping, she would insist that they sit down and catch up. He loved his mom, but he didn’t have time for anything like that.

Bram closed his eyes. He had never snuck out, not once. But Garrett used to sneak into his bedroom to get away from his fighting parents, so Bram knew that he would be able to safely leave through his window. He only hesitated a moment before he turned off his light, arranged some pillows to make it look like he was asleep in his bed, and climbed down the wall under his window.

When he got to the ground, he wished he had rethought his wardrobe choice. He felt like he stood out like a sore thumb in his pale denim jeans and red t-shirt. Suddenly every movie where people dressed in all black while committing a crime made complete sense to him. He was by no means committing a crime, but he longed for some kind of security.

He practically sprinted to his car. He winced when his keys clinked together as he fumbled to unlock his car. When his car roared to life, it sounded too loud and he was almost certain his mom must have heard it.

He didn’t stick around to find out. He had only been to Simon’s house once. Nick had dropped Simon off before bringing Bram home after a soccer game. Despite that, Bram made his way to Simon’s in a matter of minutes. He parked in front of the curb and looked up at the house, suddenly second guessing himself. He hoped that this was Simon’s house. He got out of the car and started to walk towards the front door when he saw a movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced up and saw Simon standing out on a balcony right above the front door. In the moonlight, he could see that Simon’s face was red and he was noticeably crying. Bram couldn’t help but feel responsible for that.

“Simon,” Bram whispered loudly.

Simon jolted and looked down at him. “Bram?” His voice was shaky. “What are you doing here?”

“I just heard about what happened.” Bram said. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything else, not while anyone could overhear them.

“Give me a second,” Simon said. He disappeared behind the doors. Less than a minute later, he snuck out a sliding glass door. “This way.”

Bram followed Simon through the fence to his backyard. There was a wooden treehouse and a bench swing under a roofed porch. Simon guided him to the swing. His face was still red, but he wasn’t actively crying anymore. “So, you heard?” Simon’s voice was practically devoid of emotion.

“Garrett told me about what happened at school today and about your friends,” Bram admitted. “I figured you might want to talk.”

“Everything’s fine,” Simon said quickly. Bram wondered if he realized how obvious his lie was in his voice.

Bram glanced down at the bench they were sitting on. “You know, I have this friend. He came out to me a couple of years ago, but he was afraid to tell anyone else. Until recently, his parents didn’t even know, because he was so afraid that everyone would reject him. It eats him up sometimes that he has to pretend that everything is okay when everyday he feels like he’s hit rock bottom. I don’t want to see that happen to you. I can’t pretend to know or understand everything that you’re going through, but you can’t bottle it up. You don’t have to be ashamed of what’s happening to you.” Bram couldn’t have sounded more hypocritical if he tried. He was a little relieved that Simon hadn’t picked up on the fact that Bram had used the oldest trick in the book by talking about ‘a friend’ when he was really referring to himself.

“I’m not ashamed,” Simon said sharply. “Well… not about being gay. There’s just a lot going on.”

“Like what?” Bram asked quietly. Simon was quiet for a long time and Bram was surprised when the silence was broken by a sniffle. Simon was fighting back tears. “You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.”

That apparently was all he needed to say to open the flood gates. Simon did not hold back. He told him about his family, about the lies he had told to protect his secret, about how his friends were angry with him, about the comments at school - the skit in the cafeteria was by no means the only hate that had been directed towards him throughout the day, and finally about Blue.

Bram didn’t care if he was somehow giving himself away. Around when Simon was telling him about someone that promised him that if he gave himself over to Jesus he would be healed, Bram threw caution to the wind. He pulled Simon in for a hug and let him cry into his chest. Bram knew if anyone walked past, they would assume that they were dating or something, but he didn’t care. Plus, it didn’t feel like a romantic gesture to him. Simon was in too much pain for it to be even remotely romantic.

When he cried himself out, Simon didn’t move. It took him a moment to realize Simon had fallen asleep. Bram stifled a yawn. There was something soothing about the stars in the sky and the soft hum of the life around him that made him feel calm and sleepy. As his eyes got heavy, Bram rationalized that there was no harm in resting for just a few minutes.

Before he knew it, Bram was being roused from his sleep. He fidgeted uncomfortably before he opened his eyes to see a teenage girl. He was confused for a split second until he realized what had happened. He glanced down and saw that Simon was still asleep, his head resting on Bram’s shoulder. He looked so much more peaceful than he had the night before.

“Our parents are going to be up any minute,” she hissed. “You need to go.”

Maybe it was because he was still half asleep, but his brain hadn’t quite caught up with her. Once it did, he practically jumped off the bench. “I spent the night. My mom’s going to be freaking out.”

“Yeah. You need to go. And we need to get Simon back to his room.”

Bram glanced down at where Simon had manage to continue sleeping despite the fact that he had been unceremoniously pushed off of Bram. “How is he still asleep?”

“It’s not easy waking him up in the morning.” She smiled, something suddenly dawning on her. “You know, I bet we still have a few minutes. Who are you?”

“I’m a friend of Simon’s,” Bram said. He tried not to sound defensive when he called himself a friend. “My name’s Bram.”

“I’m Nora. So Bram, ‘friend’ of Simon’s. What happened here last night?” Bram didn’t miss the sarcastic emphasis on friend.

“I figured Simon might need to talk. He had a rough day at school yesterday. Speaking of school, we need to wake him up.” Bram crouched down and shook Simon. “Simon,” he said quietly. A small smile crossed Simon’s face and he whispered something in his sleep that Bram couldn’t hear. “Simon, you’ve got to wake up.” Bram shook him a little more forcefully.

Simon shot up and looked around confused. His confusion only deepened when he saw Bram and Nora standing in front of him. His confusion transformed to horror when he realized what must have happened.

“I’ll see you at school,” Bram muttered before he turned and ran. He knew it was cowardly, but he couldn’t face Simon right then. And his mom was literally going to kill him when she realized he had snuck out. She was usually up at the crack of dawn and he was surprised she hadn’t tried to track him down yet.

He was a little distracted as he drove home and he didn’t try to climb back in through his window. He knew it wouldn’t do any good.

Sure enough, when he walked in, his mom was sitting at the kitchen table with a stony look on her face. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to. Despite the fact that he had been experiencing that same stony expression since he was old enough to get in trouble, he still cracked almost immediately when she used it on him.

He wasn’t even all the way in the kitchen before he tried to explain himself. “It was an emergency. A friend of mine was outed to the entire school and he’s been really struggling. His family isn’t that supportive and his friends are angry with him… and I got really worried. I couldn’t wait until school to check on him.”

His mom studied him. As a general rule of thumb, he didn’t lie to her. But he also never snuck out, so he understood her skepticism. “Are you worried that he might cause some kind of harm to himself?” she asked bluntly. Bram sometimes hated this side of his mom. She wasn’t afraid to ask the awkward or uncomfortable questions that most people would dodge.

Bram frowned. “I don’t know. Not anymore, I guess. I don’t really know that much about him, but I get what he’s going through. He feels like he’s all alone in this and last night, that really worried me.”

“Does he know?” Bram’s mom was studying him. Bram had come out to her a little before he left to go visit with his dad for two weeks.

“No,” Bram whispered. “And I’m not ready for him to know. It was hard enough telling you and dad. I can’t have that conversation again yet.”

She nodded. “Okay,” she said simply. “And you think he’s going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I think he just needed to get some stuff off his chest,” Bram assured her.

“It must have been a lot of stuff if he was talking to you all night.” she observed.

Bram looked away. “Uh huh,” he said quickly. “I’ve got to get ready for school.” He literally ran to his room and avoided his mom when he left the house.

He practically ran into Simon the second he walked into the school. Simon looked like he was on his way out of the school. “Leaving so soon?” Bram internally cringed. He was pretty sure he couldn’t have thought of a worse thing to say in that moment.

It apparently broke the ice with Simon, because a small smile crossed his face. “I was actually looking for you,” he admitted. “I just wanted to say… thanks. I really needed someone to talk to last night. I’m sorry I got so out of control.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Bram said quickly. “I get it. You’re working through some stuff.”

“Yeah.” Simon ducked his head, but Bram could see a slight pink tinge in his cheeks. “Look, I don’t want you to feel obligated to hang around me. You don’t need to get sucked into this shitshow.”

If Simon knew Bram was gay, Bram probably would have said what he was thinking, which is that he wanted to get sucked into the shitshow. Instead, he said, “I’m not here because I feel like I have to be.” He didn’t try to elaborate and Simon didn’t ask as they walked to English class in silence.

Over the next couple of days, Bram and Simon got closer and closer. Bram couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized Simon was Jacques sooner. Simon spoke exactly the same way that he sounded in his emails. Bram began to realize that Simon was so much more perfect than Jacques, which is saying something because Jacques was pretty perfect in the first place. He had a feeling that Simon was starting to become suspicious that he was Blue, but neither of them ever talked about it.

Not that they didn’t talk about Blue. One day, just a few days after he returned to school, Bram and Simon were sitting on the bench swing doing homework. Out of the blue, pun intended, Simon turned to Bram. “So, I know you saw that creeksecrets post. I can’t stop thinking about the guy I was emailing. I want so badly to be able to explain myself to him.”

“What do you mean?” Bram asked quietly.

“I can’t imagine what he must be thinking. I didn’t have a chance to explain everything with Martin to him or to apologize that he was dragged down with him. I want to tell him that the last thing I wanted was for him to get outed and that I did everything in my power to prevent that,” Simon told him. He was looking at Bram with such an intensity it made Bram squirm.

“I think he knows you didn’t want those emails to get out,” Bram said after a while. “I don’t think anyone would have wanted to get outed the way you did.”

“I know. I just want to be able to apologize to him. At first, I thought he just blocked me, but he deactivated his whole email address, so I have no way of getting in touch with him,” Simon explained. There was a hint of frustration in his voice and his eyebrows were creased in way that was weirdly attractive, so much so that Bram stared a second longer than appropriate. “I keep trying to figure out who he is, but the more I look, the more I realize that I don’t know much about him. I know he likes Oreos, that he’s an only child, and that he’s Jewish, but I can’t exactly go up to every guy in the school and ask them if they fit that description. And I don’t want to do anything that might make him uncomfortable.” Simon sighed and leaned back into the bench. “I miss him.”

“That’s rough,” Bram said. His brain was only partially functioning, so he couldn’t form a more coherent response. The drums were back causing Simon to sound like he was whispering from a mile away. He clamped his mouth shut, because he was terrified that if he said anything, he would give himself away.

Simon had apparently said everything he needed to say, because he turned back to his Algebra homework. Bram stared at the numbers in the textbook in front of him. They may as well have been Egyptian hieroglyphics for all the good they were doing him. He wasn’t usually bad at Algebra and he felt like he must have learned something that day that would have helped him do his homework, but he couldn’t remember a single thing. He stared at his textbook for another couple of minutes before he accepted that he wasn’t getting anywhere. He pulled out a draft of his English paper and began to edit it. That, at least, he could do even with the drums beating in his head.

They continued like this for another week. Bram pretended that he wasn’t gay and completely, ridiculously in love with Simon and they continued to grow closer. They did homework together almost every day after play practice and when they weren’t doing homework, they were talking.

Three days before the play, Simon and Bram were in the library during study hall. Bram couldn’t help but stare at the way Simon played with his pen. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it. He moved it back and forth so quickly, it looked like a blurry bow tie. It made the drums beat, drowning out everything except for that small movement. “So what do you think?” Simon asked, pulling Bram from his thoughts.

Bram started to panic. He had no idea what Simon had just been talking about. He had been so distracted. Whatever it was, Simon looked nervous to have brought it up. “I think… it’s a great idea,” Bram guessed.

Simon smiled a little. “So you think I should do it?” He confirmed. “You don’t think it’s too much?”

“Yeah man. You should go for it,” Bram said, hoping he hadn’t unintentionally given Simon some really bad advice.

Simon’s smile only grew and he looked at Bram in a way that made him blush. “Thanks.” He turned back to the paper he was writing.

That night, Bram logged into creeksecrets and immediately the drums were back. He didn’t even know which part of the most recent post had caused it. Bits and pieces of it seemed to swim in front of his eyes.

_I deserve a great love story… This guy that I love… So Blue… I know who you are… You know where I’ll be… Love, Simon_

Bram could not have said what happened in between those words. He suddenly knew what Simon had been asking him earlier and that he had accidentally encouraged Simon to do this.

Bram started to feel lightheaded. He wasn’t sure if he was breathing, but he also wasn’t sure he remembered how to breathe.

After a moment, the drums faded until they were nothing more than a faint rhythm in the back of his head. Bram began to process what Simon had asked of him in his post. He wanted to meet Bram. More than that, in the most public way possible, he wanted Bram to come out as Blue.

Bram knew he had kind of backed Simon into a corner with this. He’d left him with no other way of getting in touch with him. The very last thing Bram wanted to do was hurt Simon and he had made up his mind a couple of days ago that he couldn’t keep this secret from him for much longer, but at the carnival where there was no chance of privacy? The thought made Bram’s skin crawl.

He pulled out his phone and dialed a familiar number.

“Wow, I thought you forgot about me,” a voice answered. Bram couldn’t help but smile.

“Can you come over?” Bram asked. His voice sounded breathless and uneven, but he wasn’t sure how noticeable it was.

“I’ll be there soon.”

Bram mused that Garrett must have been on his way over anyway, because less than two minutes later there was a knock on his door and Garrett let himself in. “Hey,” he said quietly.

“What’s wrong?” Garrett asked. His face was filled with concern.

Bram felt like he was going to vomit. “I need to tell you something and then I need your advice.”

Garrett sat down across from Bram and gave him his undivided attention. He didn’t try to push Bram or say something to fill the silence. He just waited. A lot of people at school thought Garrett was a clown, bordering on a douchebag. The truth was, he was just awkward around people he didn’t know well. Once you let him in, he was a pretty fantastic person. He was the kind of person you could bear your soul to without judgment.

Bram guessed he was lucky in that regard, because that was exactly what he planned to do. “I’m gay,” he finally said. For a split second, before the fear could set in, he felt great. He hadn’t realized what a burden it had been, keeping his secret from his best friend.

“Okay,” Garrett said quietly. He was studying Bram for a moment, trying to figure out if he wanted this to be a big deal or not. When Bram didn’t say anything else, Garrett frowned. “I don’t want to sound like one of those guys that makes assumptions because you’re gay…” Bram felt his breath get caught in his throat. Was he about to ask if Bram liked him? Did he really think that was possible? “But, is this why you’ve been spending so much time with Simon?”

Bram let out the breath he was holding. He almost felt like laughing. “Something like that,” Bram admitted. “That’s actually what I needed your advice about.”

“Ask away,” Garrett encouraged.

“Do you remember that creeksecrets post that outed Simon?” Bram asked. He wasn’t sure he could feel more nervous if he tried.

“How could I forget?” Garrett studied how stiff and uncomfortable Bram looked. “Let me guess, you’re Blue?” Garrett cracked a smile. He had clearly been trying to cut the tension. When Bram didn’t smile, Garrett’s jaw dropped. “No shit. Really? You’re the dude Simon’s in love with? And that post today… it was to you?”

“I guess so,” Bram said. He stood up and started to pace, hoping that it would help him calm down. “It’s hard to wrap my head around. And now he wants to meet me at the carnival and… I have no idea what to do.”

“How do you feel about him?” Garrett asked quietly.

“I… I kind of love him too,” Bram admitted. Saying it aloud made his face feel hot and made his stomach swirl like he had just ridden a tilt-a-whirl.

“Then, no offense man, I think you know what you have to do.” Garrett’s voice was gentle, as if he was afraid of startling Bram.

“But what if I’m not ready?” Bram asked. That’s what it boiled down to. He did not feel ready to be out, no matter how much he loved Simon.

“Okay. I’m gonna say something and I mean this in the nicest possible way…” Garrett waited until Bram was looking at him to keep speaking. “Do you think Simon was ready? Two people were outed in those emails and you can’t keep pretending that he was the only one. If you really love him, you’ll be… not ready to be out with him. Go through this with him. No one can understand what he’s going through the way you can. You have a chance at something that most people spend their whole lives searching for. You have this opportunity to be yourself and be with someone who understands you more than you understand yourself. Do you know how lucky you are that you don’t have to do that alone?” Bram couldn’t help but stare. Garrett had seemed to find a counter argument for every doubt Bram had and his words had hit so close to home. “Look, I can’t make this decision for you. I can only tell you that you are a wonderful person and if anyone deserves the love story Simon mentioned in his post, it’s you.”

Bram couldn’t help but look at the ground. “I don’t know about that,” he muttered.

“I do,” Garrett said with a shrug. He picked up a console controller from Bram’s desk. “So, I kinda feel like shooting something. You down?” He waved the controller and Bram couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit. Garrett may be sappy and a great-listener, but at his core he was still a guy that definitely preferred shooting virtual zombies to talking about his feelings.

“You’re on,” Bram agreed, following him down to the living room.

Three days later, Garrett and Bram were sitting in the back of the auditorium watching the production of the play. Whenever he was on stage, Bram couldn’t take his eyes off of Simon. It was hard to believe that in just a few hours, Simon might know who he was.

Bram may have clapped a little louder than appropriate when Simon took a bow at the end of the play, but he ignored the knowing look on Garrett’s face. He and Garrett hadn’t talked about what Bram was going to do, but there was some unspoken agreement between them that they would be at the carnival tonight.

Bram was quiet the entire drive to the carnival and he was grateful when Garrett didn’t try to force him to talk. He didn’t try to eat anything while he was there, because he was pretty sure he would get sick if he put something in his stomach.

He felt pretty nauseated as it were. Every couple of minutes, he glanced at the growing crowd surrounding the ferris wheel. He knew they were all waiting for him.

Without making the choice to, he found himself walking towards the ferris wheel. He watched with slight incredulity as Martin tried to claim to be Blue. Simon rejected that possibility immediately. Then the attendant was making the last call for the ferris wheel.

Bram’s heart caught in his throat at the look on Simon’s face. He had a feeling that look would haunt him for many, many years. “Wait!” Bram called as he ran up the steps towards the ferris wheel.

“Is this seat open?” he asked self-consciously. It hadn’t been until he saw the broken look on Simon’s face that Bram actually made up his mind and impulsively ran to the ferris wheel attendant. He supposed Garrett was right and that in the end, it had never really been a choice at all.

Simon’s face lit up. “It’s always open for you.”

“Thanks,” Bram said. He sat down next to Simon and waited for the attendant to latch them in.

“I didn’t think you were going to come,” Simon admitted once they started moving.

“I almost didn’t. At first, I didn’t think I had it in me, but then I saw you here and… I felt like I could do anything. Even out myself to the whole school.” The ride paused and their car balanced at the very top of the ferris wheel. “Did you know?”

“I hoped,” Simon admitted. He turned to look at Bram, closing the distance between them ever so slightly. “I’m really glad it’s you.” Simon was close enough that Bram could see every eyelash, they were surprisingly long.

“Me too,” Bram whispered as he closed the gap between them.

As their lips came together, the beating drums came back. This time, Bram embraced them and allowed his whole soul to be consumed by the feeling of Simon’s lips on his own and the beating drums in his head.


End file.
